See you soon!

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice.  Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So last night, I had my class, as usual.  We are still working on the same routine, the one that has been challenging me.  After a basic review, our instructor put the music on, and just told us to listen to it and let the music move us.  She did this last week too, and it was a huge obstacle for me at first.  I was so deep in my own head, listening to the little voices, that I couldn’t let go, and it showed in my movements.  I wasn’t graceful and flowy, I was mechanical and robotic, like I was just going through the motions.  When I started to relax, and focused on the notes and the beat of the music, the movements started to come more easily.  There was nothing else in my mind aside from me, the floor and the pole, and I started to relax.  I can’t tell you the difference that it made.

This week, knowing that I had the all clear to actually *do* stuff on the pole, I let myself go a little bit more.  I got out of my head, and gave the voices of self-doubt a kick in the butt.  I listened to the music, where the drum hit, the emphasis of each note.  I let it flow through me, and I freestyled.  It felt good.

Once I really let go, my muscles and my body just took over.  I trusted that they knew what to do, and that they were strong enough to do the things that I wanted them too.  I did layback (the one that is in the picture in the last pole post), and I felt the strength of my legs as they held me in place.  I climbed.  I spun.  I did this

I realized that I haven’t been giving myself enough credit, and that I have been way too hard on myself.  I tried things last night that I have never tried, just because.  It gave me the confidence that I have been lacking for the past couple of months, and showed me that I just need to trust in myself.  I have been working so hard for this for over a year, and last night, for the first time in a long time, I felt like the results were starting to show.  I am really hoping that this is the start of a new journey for me, one filled with self confidence and some amazing new moves.  I realized that I was the one holding myself back, and that only I could set myself free from that.

Have you ever had a A-ha! moment like that? When and where?

Allow me to share an example of a conversation that went on in the car between my husband and son on the way to renew Q’s passport today. We were listening to music, and one of Q’s latest things is to ask about the name of the song and the artist who sings it. Here’s how it all went down:

Q:”Daddy, what song is this?”

M: “It’s called NIB”

Q:”Who sings this song?”

M:”It’s Ozzy Osbourne, you know, the guy who sings Crazy Train” [Note: Q loves Crazy Train, but refuses to believe that is the name, and calls it Crazy Tree instead]

Q:”Oh, Ozzy Osbourne. Hmmm.”

M:”It’s a really old song, dude. It was made about 10 years before Mummy and Daddy were even born!”

Q:”Not it’s not. It’s not an old song, it’s a good song!”

[Insert muffled, hysterical laughter here from Mummy, who is sitting in the passengers seat with a hand clamped over her mouth]

M:[totally deadpan] “Buddy, it is an old song. It can be an old song and a good song, you know.”

Q:”No. No it’s not. It’s a good song.” He was completely serious about it. There was NO way that he would believe that it could be both an old song and a good one. Nope, one or the other, that was it.

By this time, I is literally shaking with laughter and using everything possible not to laugh out loud, lest he think that I am laughing at him. Oh, to be 3 again.

The other day, I was at my pole class, and was really struggling with the routine we’re working on.  It’s a sexy song and routine, and although I have the ability and skills to do it, I have this mental mind block for some reason, and it is just not coming together for me.  I know that my shoulder injury contributes in part to this, but it’s more than that.  I watch the other girls, my friends, and they all look so beautiful and self-assured.  It’s really amazing to watch.  I try to do the same thing, and I feel like an elephant on roller skates, mumbling around, feeling completely awkward and large, and so not sexy or beautiful.  I mentioned this to my pole partner after the 5th or 6th frustrating time through the routine that night, and she gave me this incredulous look and said to me “You have NO idea how sexy and beautiful that was.  I just stood here watching you, and I wished that I could have taken a video of it, so that you could have seen it too.”

That comment really got me thinking.  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why can’t I see these things?  Is it because somewhere deep down I don’t want to believe these things about myself?  Or it it something that a lot of people struggle with, not just me?  I don’t have the answers yet, but this is something that I am going to work on figuring out.  I don’t want to have this image of myself.  I want to see through the eyes of the people who love me – that seems like a way better view to me.

Is this something that you’ve experienced? Or are you as comfortable with yourself as you  seem to others?

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Some things I have learned from being a mum:

1. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you planned, but that’s ok.  I never thought that I would have a 4 pound, 11 ounce baby who spent the first week and a half of his life in the NICU.  You roll with it.

2. It’s good to be flexible, both literally and figuratively.  You never know when you are going to have to contort under a table to retrieve a kid, or a book, or who knows what else…

3. Sometimes you just need take a moment to breathe, look around, and realize how much fun you are actually having.

4. Bodily fluids are gross. (Actually, this one I knew before, but this has just cemented it for me.)  Needless to say, I am not the mum who can catch kid-puke with my hands.  That’s what blankets are for.

5.  Kids are very resilient.  They can take a bump, get bruised, and just keep going.

6.  Sometimes the things that you thought that you would do, or not do, are the things that work best for your family.  Before Q came along, I had very distinct ideas of how things would go.  I never thought that I would be an extended breastfeeder, co-sleeper, or most of the other things that I have done. You just need to go with what works.

7.  It’s ok to be yourself sometimes too.  You are not just a mum, you are still a person.  It took me a while to figure that out, but I am a better person for it.  No mummy guilt.

8. How much fun it would be to experience things with him.  The utter joy and excitement that he brings is something that I never could have imagined.

9.  How great it would be to teach him things, and share my favourite things with him.  He loves music, likes to take a spin on the pole, and loves to read.  This makes me proud.

10. Just how full of love my heart is for him, and the family that we’ve created and become.

Any lessons learned that you would care to share?

Anyways, I went out for coffee this week with a girlfriend that I hadn’t seen in months.  It was so great, getting to sit with her and chat, enjoy a slice of cheesecake (yum!), and a hot drink, all without any little people yelling “Mummy!” or “I need to tell you something”.  For both of us.  Her child is the same age as mine, and we actually met when we both put our 3 month olds into baby music class.  Our kids became good friends and so did we.  One of the coolest parts of our friendship, for me, has been that I have had someone who has a child the same age as mine (they are only 2 weeks apart, actually).  Someone I could talk about all the stages and challenges with, someone who understood and sympathized with me because she was experiencing it too.

As we were talking, the subject of 3 year old tantrums came up.  We both related stories of leaving our kicking, screaming, tantrum-ing child on the floor of the grocery store and simply walking down the aisle, telling the kid to let us know when they were finished.  Of course, the kid was in sight at all times, but what else can you do?  I’ve also carried a howling flailing child out of a store over my shoulder, and experienced the looks of disgust and distain, the scowls of judgement, from other people. Don’t get me wrong, this is a rare occurrence in our family, but sometimes it happens.  It’s life.  I think that it happens to everyone.  Actually, I KNOW it does.

How do you deal with tantrums or freakouts in public? What do you do if it’s someone else’s kid?

What we talked about, and couldn’t quite wrap our heads around, was the judgement.  Why do people, especially ones with young children, glare and tsk tsk at you?  Is it that people think that it will never happen to them?  Or is it that they think that you are a bad parent?  Are their children older and they’ve forgotten just how difficult and embarrassing it can be?  I’ve been there when other people’s kids have done the drop and flop on the floor, and I always try to at least give a sympathetic smile, to let them know that they are not alone.   There are so many things that we, as parents, judge each other on, and mums are especially guilty of this, I think.  Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth or disposables, plastic or wooden toys, private or public school… The list goes on and on… Why do we do this?

As parents, we try to make the best decisions for our families.  What you do with your kids is your choice, but so is what I do with mine.  We love our kids, and are just trying to do the best that we can.  Parenting is not a race, or a competition.  We need to support each other, as much as we can.  This is a hard gig, and no one wants to do it by themselves.  Sometimes, all you need is a smile, or an “I’m sorry, I’ve been there too”.  Remember, next time it could be your kid.

I wanted to join in the Ultimate Blog Party at 5 Minutes for Mom, but life this week has been crazy, and I just never got around to writing up my party post.  I thought that it closed earlier this week, so imagine my delight at finding out that I could still jump in till the end of the day today. So here goes.

I’m Brandee, and I’m a married mother to one crazy kid ( hence the title of the blog).  He’s 3 1/2, and is the light of my life.  He is a very high energy, go go go kind of kid, but he is also funny, sweet, and kind.  I honestly had no idea that motherhood would be like this, and I am enjoying it far more than I thought possible.  Outside of being a mum, I do pole fitness and teach Groove classes.  Pole fitness has completely changed my life, my body and the way that I see both myself and others, and I write about it, and the challenges and triumphs that I experience with it from time to time.  Mostly though, I just write about my thoughts and feelings about my son and my family.  I also participate in my friend Northwest Mommy’s Monday Listicles, which is a weekly link of fun lists.  I hope that you will come and join me there too!

Now I’m off to link up and check out some new fabulous blogs.  I know it’s late, but I think that it’s better to be late to the party than not come at all.

I have mentioned before how I think that they make me a better person, a better wife, and a better mum. This is my safe place, my place where I can go and let it all out, knowing that I am surrounded by a group of women who will love and support me no matter what. To me, that is a crazy feeling, and one that is not easily found in our every day world.

When I got hurt again tonight, my friends were there to help, and soothe, and hold a cold water bottle against my shoulder. 20 minutes later, they were cheering me on as I pushed myself to run through the routine one more time. I sometimes think that I am so lucky to belong to a place so real and pure, where there is no jealousy, no resentment, no judgement. I only wish that the “real world” could be more like my studio.

On the weekend, one of my girlfriends celebrated her birthday. When she spoke about the impact that we had all had on her life, and mentioned how she had never really been able to relate to women or had close girlfriends, heads were nodding all around the table. Somehow, this group of women have been brought together and as a group, we are learning how to support and relate to one another. I think that this is something that we could all use. Thought this, we are learning to bring this into the world with us, and spread the love to those around us.

The power of girlfriends is amazing, and one that I wish that all women could know. There is nothing more special to know that you are loved for who you are inside, nothing more, nothing less.