Last Saturday, I put on my big girl pants and did something that scared the living crap out of me. I auditioned for a part in the charity aerial arts production that my pole studio is putting on in May. To do this, I had to prepare a 2 minute routine on my apparatus of choice, which, since I only do pole, was the pole. We were told that they were looking for the ability to play a character, and be theatrical, and that it wasn’t so much about being able to do the big tricks. When we were first told about the auditions at the beginning of January, I contemplated the idea, then pretty much discarded it, as I thought that I wasn’t good enough. After talking with some friends and my husband, I began to realize that if I didn’t at least try, I would really regret it when I was sitting in the audience, thinking that it could have been me, if only I had tried.
The mind games that I played with myself over the next 3 weeks were brutal. One minute I would think that yes, I was good enough, and the next minute that thought was followed by one that told me that I was not, and that nobody would want to pay money to see me perform. This went on and on, and my self doubt began to grow with each day that passed. The more I thought about it, the more I was psyching myself out. Finally, the day came when I had to make the decision, as we would be getting our audition times the following day. I sucked it up and sent the email to confirm that I was going to participate in the auditions. Once that decision was made, I told myself that there was NO way that I could back out. I had to just work and work and do my best.
I worked every day, trying to get my routine together. I had originally wanted to do my routine to “F#&%ing Perfect” by Pink, but when I tried to link the moves in my head with the ones actually on the pole, it didn’t come together as I wanted. I ended up doing another song, and decided that if I was going to do it, I was going to go all out. The character that I portrayed was the opposite of who I normally am, and it was a struggle and a challenge, but I figured that if I could do this one, I could do anything.
Many days of sore muscles, blistered and chapped hands and bruised body parts ensued. I pulled together something that I thought was pretty good. No huge tricks, but lots of different spins and combos that I liked. Oh, did I mention that a couple of days before the audition I got some sort of wicked cold? And that I was still suffering from terrible vertigo left over from my bronchitis a few weeks earlier? I couldn’t even see straight, and was so disoriented that I had to have my husband drive me to the audition.
I strapped my shoes on and strutted in. I knew that in order to pull this off, I couldn’t show even a trace of the fear that was gripping me. The music started, and I was my character. Confident, sassy and owning my moves. The 2 minutes both flew by and felt like an eternity. I got lots of hugs and pats on the back from the girls who had already gone and were still waiting, and I left feeling really proud of the fact that despite everything, I sucked it up and was brave.
I have been doing pole for less than a year, and this was a HUGE step for me. I wasn’t successful, and didn’t get picked for a part in this years show. Although my ego is feeling bruised and battered a bit right now, I still dragged myself into the studio last Monday and got right back to work. I’m not going to give up, and next years audition is going to blow everyone’s minds. Just sayin.
Even though it wasn’t my year, I said that this was going to be my year to “believe”. I have to pick myself up and dust myself off. I know that my time will come, and until it does, I have to just keep giving it my all.