Self perceptions are a funny thing. Sometimes I wish that I could look in the mirror and see the same thing that everyone else sees. I wish I could see the beauty that my husband sees, the the funny, confident person that my friends see, and the person that my son sees. Instead, every time I look at myself, in the mirror, in pictures, through a glimpse in the window, I see the opposite. I see a girl with big legs, hair that is never quite right, and bags under my eyes. I see someone who struggles to maintain confidence, who is a pro at faking it till I make it. Someone who laughs too loud, or at the wrong times, and makes wisecracks that just aren’t funny.
The other day, I was at my pole class, and was really struggling with the routine we’re working on. It’s a sexy song and routine, and although I have the ability and skills to do it, I have this mental mind block for some reason, and it is just not coming together for me. I know that my shoulder injury contributes in part to this, but it’s more than that. I watch the other girls, my friends, and they all look so beautiful and self-assured. It’s really amazing to watch. I try to do the same thing, and I feel like an elephant on roller skates, mumbling around, feeling completely awkward and large, and so not sexy or beautiful. I mentioned this to my pole partner after the 5th or 6th frustrating time through the routine that night, and she gave me this incredulous look and said to me “You have NO idea how sexy and beautiful that was. I just stood here watching you, and I wished that I could have taken a video of it, so that you could have seen it too.”
That comment really got me thinking. Why am I so hard on myself? Why can’t I see these things? Is it because somewhere deep down I don’t want to believe these things about myself? Or it it something that a lot of people struggle with, not just me? I don’t have the answers yet, but this is something that I am going to work on figuring out. I don’t want to have this image of myself. I want to see through the eyes of the people who love me – that seems like a way better view to me.
Is this something that you’ve experienced? Or are you as comfortable with yourself as you seem to others?