Self doubts and perceptions

Self perceptions are a funny thing. Sometimes I wish that I could look in the mirror and see the same thing that everyone else sees.  I wish I could see the beauty that my husband sees, the the funny, confident person that my friends see, and the person that my son sees.  Instead, every time I look at myself, in the mirror, in pictures, through a glimpse in the window, I see the opposite.  I see a girl with big legs, hair that is never quite right, and bags under my eyes.  I see someone who struggles to maintain confidence, who is a pro at faking it till I make it.  Someone who laughs too loud, or at the wrong times, and makes wisecracks that just aren’t funny.

The other day, I was at my pole class, and was really struggling with the routine we’re working on.  It’s a sexy song and routine, and although I have the ability and skills to do it, I have this mental mind block for some reason, and it is just not coming together for me.  I know that my shoulder injury contributes in part to this, but it’s more than that.  I watch the other girls, my friends, and they all look so beautiful and self-assured.  It’s really amazing to watch.  I try to do the same thing, and I feel like an elephant on roller skates, mumbling around, feeling completely awkward and large, and so not sexy or beautiful.  I mentioned this to my pole partner after the 5th or 6th frustrating time through the routine that night, and she gave me this incredulous look and said to me “You have NO idea how sexy and beautiful that was.  I just stood here watching you, and I wished that I could have taken a video of it, so that you could have seen it too.”

That comment really got me thinking.  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why can’t I see these things?  Is it because somewhere deep down I don’t want to believe these things about myself?  Or it it something that a lot of people struggle with, not just me?  I don’t have the answers yet, but this is something that I am going to work on figuring out.  I don’t want to have this image of myself.  I want to see through the eyes of the people who love me – that seems like a way better view to me.







Is this something that you’ve experienced? Or are you as comfortable with yourself as you  seem to others?

This entry was posted in blogging, body image, fitness, fun stuff, pole, rambles and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Self doubts and perceptions

  1. Kat says:

    Is that you? Wow! You’re amazing.

    • onecrazykid says:

      Thanks. Yes, that’s me. Its one of my current favourite pole tricks. It’s actually the very first pole pic I’ve ever posted on here too. I was nervous to post it, so thanks for the boost. 🙂

  2. thewritemama says:

    Wow, that is amazing!! Congratulations also on being chosen in the Top 30 Vancouver Mom bloggers! : ) I am also in this year’s top 30 and just dropped by to say hello. Hope to meet you at the June event. Lori

  3. Erin says:

    I know what you mean, I definitely feel like this as well. My solution is to try and lock those thoughts in box and bury them. It doesn’t always work, but it sometimes helps me get through the day. x

    • onecrazykid says:

      I’m so glad to hear its not just me. At my studio new students are asked to take their baggage, put it in a box and leave it in the dirt outside. If you really want to pick it up on the way out, you’re free to, but very few ever do. It’s a constant struggle for me, but a work in progress.

  4. Sharon says:

    Love this. We all need the gift of seeing ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

    • onecrazykid says:

      Thanks Sharon. I thought of your words when I posted the picture too. You are right – it is a gift to see, now if only we could accept the gift when it’s offered, you know?

  5. Jacki says:

    If only… That damn insecurity. Why don’t we see what others’ see? sigh

    • onecrazykid says:

      I know. It is so hard, and it does make me feel a bit better to know I’m not alone in this. This is why we need to support each other, and help each other see. 🙂

  6. I am totally like that too. I feel like a bumbling idiot and then someone tells me how well spoken I am. I feel like a whale in my jeans and someone tells me how great the jeans look on me. So you are not alone.

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