Last night I had a bit of a pole epiphany. I’ve been struggling lately to find my way when it comes to pole stuff. The shoulder injury certainly isn’t helping matters at all, and it looks like it will be something I will be dealing with for a long while to go. I saw my doctor last week, and she thinks that it’s likely a torn rotator cuff. Since it is going to be a year before I can get an MRI done, and then probably another 6-12 months after that to see a doctor, the injury will probably be healed before I actually get to see anyone about it. When I saw her, I was so worried that she was going to tell me that I had to stop doing pole while it healed, and the thought was breaking my heart. I was anxious and stressed leading up to the appointment, and I just might have held my breath when I asked her. The answer made me happy – I didn’t have to stop, I just had to modify my movements and not hang from that arm. Her message to me was that I needed to find the happy balance between hurting too much and just hurting.
So last night, I had my class, as usual. We are still working on the same routine, the one that has been challenging me. After a basic review, our instructor put the music on, and just told us to listen to it and let the music move us. She did this last week too, and it was a huge obstacle for me at first. I was so deep in my own head, listening to the little voices, that I couldn’t let go, and it showed in my movements. I wasn’t graceful and flowy, I was mechanical and robotic, like I was just going through the motions. When I started to relax, and focused on the notes and the beat of the music, the movements started to come more easily. There was nothing else in my mind aside from me, the floor and the pole, and I started to relax. I can’t tell you the difference that it made.
This week, knowing that I had the all clear to actually *do* stuff on the pole, I let myself go a little bit more. I got out of my head, and gave the voices of self-doubt a kick in the butt. I listened to the music, where the drum hit, the emphasis of each note. I let it flow through me, and I freestyled. It felt good.
Once I really let go, my muscles and my body just took over. I trusted that they knew what to do, and that they were strong enough to do the things that I wanted them too. I did layback (the one that is in the picture in the last pole post), and I felt the strength of my legs as they held me in place. I climbed. I spun. I did this
I realized that I haven’t been giving myself enough credit, and that I have been way too hard on myself. I tried things last night that I have never tried, just because. It gave me the confidence that I have been lacking for the past couple of months, and showed me that I just need to trust in myself. I have been working so hard for this for over a year, and last night, for the first time in a long time, I felt like the results were starting to show. I am really hoping that this is the start of a new journey for me, one filled with self confidence and some amazing new moves. I realized that I was the one holding myself back, and that only I could set myself free from that.
Have you ever had a A-ha! moment like that? When and where?